


Breathe

by birdie7272



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anxiety, Chocolate, Insomnia, POV Second Person, can't sleep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-19
Updated: 2014-12-19
Packaged: 2018-03-02 03:51:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2798519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/birdie7272/pseuds/birdie7272
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Insomnia is a bitch.  Luckily, the guys know exactly what to do to help you fall asleep. </p><p>Second Person POV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breathe

Thoughts keep running through your head. You are tired, exhausted even. Your limbs and bones are begging to sleep but you just can’t shut off your mind.

You keep thinking. Never stop thinking. Reliving old memories, arguments that never were, worries about the future decisions you have to make, anxieties over the ones you just did.

They just won’t stop. Why can’t they stop? Why won’t they go away? Just long enough to go to sleep. You can worry about it all tomorrow. Just one night’s sleep.

You toss and turn even though you’ve been comfortable at least six times.

The thoughts just won’t stop coming.

You know you’re not supposed to look at the clock because it somehow slows down time but your curiosity gets the better of you and you peek. You’ve been trying to sleep for three hours. Three hours twenty one minutes -since you can’t seem to stop yourself from pinpointing it down.

You try to breathe deep, relax from your toes up to your head and then back down again. You just start to settle into the dark when the thoughts bombard you again.

Why won’t they just stop?

Frustration has long been peaking and you can feel yourself getting angry. Angry at yourself for what you’ve done, for what you will do, and for the fact that you can’t control yourself long enough to get some stupid sleep.

You have to get up in less than five hours for school and you’ll be tired the entire day and you’ll be crabby and it will be horrible. You’ll have to sit through that one annoying class with that one annoying kid and what if he says something to you? You will not have slept enough. You won’t be able to handle yourself. You’ll flip. That’s it. It’ll be the day everyone realizes how crazy you actually are, just because you couldn’t get yourself to sleep the night before.

You could change the alarm time, not take a shower, and slip in at least twenty minutes more. That’s supposing you can fall asleep at all. Great. Now you’ll be sleepy and stinky.

You feel hot tears prickling your eyes and you shut them tight. It’s so stupid. You feel so dumb for crying over it. It’s just sleep. Didn’t scientists prove you don’t need it other than to stop feeling tired? Didn’t the geniuses only sleep four hours a week? You could do that.

No you couldn’t.

It’s so annoying! You feel yourself just getting madder and madder and you start to twist when it’s not necessary, winding yourself into the blankets until it’s all too constricting.

You stomp out of bed and pace the room, though your body is fighting you every second. You stretch and lay back down and refuse to look at the clock. Maybe this time it will work.

You grab your phone and glare at the time. It’s only 2:36am. Less than four hours now. Maybe it would be better not to sleep. Only you know that’s not true. You can barely function in the morning as is. Without sleep, you’d be a train wreck.

The weight of the world is pressing down on you and you have your phone. You could call someone.

You could, but who would be up at this hour? You already know the answer to that. Sam would probably be out. Cas was having trouble adjusting to sleep, so there was no point in risking waking him –not when he needs it so bad. Dean would be up, but maybe he wouldn’t and it would be rude to wake him too. They all get such little sleep anyway.

You don’t need to bother them with your problems. What problems do you have anyway? You’re stressing over things that aren’t even happening. It’s all in your head. It doesn’t matter.

“Hello?” Dean’s muffled voice comes through the phone.

Oh no.

You accidentally hit the call button. Stupid touch screen phones.

You close the call out and throw the treacherous phone down to the ground. Maybe you could play it off as sleep calling. People did that, right? Maybe he wouldn’t come in.

Only, you kinda hope he would.

 _Knock, knock_ –the raps on the door were quiet but Dean doesn’t wait for an answer. He nudges it open a crack and calls in. “Hey, you decent in there?”

You don’t answer. You can still play it off as a mistake. You were just being dumb anyway.

“You know I know you’re awake, right?” His voice is closer now and his weight sags into the end of your bed.

“No.” You whisper pitifully, hoping for a small chuckle which Dean gives you.

“What’s eating you?”

“Nothing,” you lie.

“Then what’re you doing up? Bad dream?”

“Can’t sleep.”

“Ah. I’d recommend a beer but I’m pretty sure that’s not what you want. Isn’t it like milk or juice or some shit like that? I don’t know. Sammy’d know.”

“Sam would know what?” Sam pops into the door in his pjs, though he doesn’t look like he came from bed. Actually, he looks like he was going to it. Great, now you are keeping them both up.

“I can’t sleep,” you answer. “But warm milk doesn’t really work.”

“You could try a hypnosis tape,” Sam offers as he sinks down opposite Dean.

“A hypnosis tape?” Dean scoffs and mocks, pretending to dangle a fog watch in front of your face, “You are getting very sleepy. Very, very sleepy!”

Sam bats Dean’s hand down and thumps him upside the head. A small giggle escapes you and it makes them laugh in turn.

“So why can’t you sleep?” Sam asks.

You pick at the blanket covering your feet and shrug. How do you answer that without sounding crazy? “I just can’t. Can’t shut my brain off I guess.”

“Shut your brain off?” Cas asks from the door and you smirk when you feel Dean jerk and shake the bed. “Sounds dangerous.”

“Well not off, off,” you try to explain. “I just want to sleep.”

“Ah.” Cas nods in understanding and enters the room when you gesture him in. Dean was always annoyed that he respected yours and Sam’s personal boundaries so easily and huffs to show so as Cas talks, “I too find that difficult. If I had my powers I could help you. I don’t know how now.”

“I know, Cas.” You smile and scooch over so he can sit next to you by the headboard. “Thanks.”

“Do you have school tomorrow?” Sam asks and you nod.

“Got a test or something?” Dean asks.

“No,” you say. “Just a paper to turn in. I don’t think I did well.”

“Is that what is bothering you?” Cas asks.

“No. It’s not one thing. It’s just…everything.” You frown at the blanket in your lap and the tears start to heat your face again. Oh god, you are not going to cry over nothing. And in front of the guys too. They don’t know what to do with someone crying! Oh, you are so stupid. You wring your hands into the sheets and try to control yourself by swallowing it down but it only seems to get worse.

“Hey-“ Sam’s there in an instant, scooting to the other side of you and pulling you into his side. You rest your head on his shoulder and he pets your back as he gestures for Cas to give you your pillow so you can hold it against your chest.

“I’m sorry,” you mumble as Sam hugs you tighter. That little squeeze and you feel the wall break, sending the tears overflowing. “So- so stupid- I’m just-“

“Whoa,” Dean puts a hand on your arm and moves to the center of your bed. “You are not stupid. You’re stressed.”

“Yeah, over nothing.”

“It’s not nothing,” Sam reassures you.

“It is too. Just everyday life stuff.”

“Life isn’t nothing.   It’s hard.”

“But I don’t do what you guys do and-“

“Hey,” Dean cuts you off. “Look at me.” It takes you a couple blinks but you do. “I know you, alright? We all know you. You’re strong. You hear me? We all know that. Hell, we see it every day. You’d have to be to put up with us. So if something is upsetting you, it’s not nothing. It’s something to you. Life’s a bitch to everyone in different ways and- “

“Sometimes it’s too much to handle,” Sam adds.

Dean nods and continues, “I get that. But you _can_ handle it.”

“But it’s not-“

“It’s just a matter of breathing,” Sam says. “We all have our demons and trials. And the thing to remember is to breathe.   You’ll get through it. One day at a time if you have to. It all starts with breathing. Three deep breaths.” He pats your back and puffs out his chest, taking his own silly sounding advice. “Come on.”

You shake your head and honestly feel a bit dumb for deep breathing. It couldn’t actually work. People breathe all the time and still have panic attacks. Oh god, is that what you are having? Wow, pitiful. Now you’re starting to pant and- yeah, okay, breathing would be good.

You take in a shaky breath and huff it out quickly. The second comes easier but it’s still a bit wobbly. The third is deeper and you feel it clearing your lungs but all you feel is heavy and tired really. You just know you can’t sleep.

“There you go,” Sam goes back to petting your back. “Looking better already.”

“You are upset,” Cas states the obvious –a bit late.

You laugh, a broken sound but enough to break the tension. “Yeah, Cas. A little bit.”

Cas pauses and then asks, “What makes you happy?”

You smile at that sudden question and look at the other two, as if to make sure he is serious. “Um, I don’t know. Chocolate? I think that makes me happy.”

“Dean has brownie mix in the kitchen.”

“Cas!” Dean scolds. “ _Secret_ brownie mix! _Dean’s_ secret brownie mix.”

“Ooh,” Sam whistles. “Chocolate brownies sound really good. Saving those for when you’re on your period Dean?”

Sam shakes you a bit and you laugh because, yes, chocolate brownies sound wonderful and Dean’s face is precious. “But guys-” you look at the clock, “-it’s a school night. I can’t bake brownies at three in the morning.”

“Yes you can,” Dean claps your thigh and stands. “You’re not going to school tomorrow.”

“What?” you laugh and already start to feel guilty about just thinking about not going.

“He’s right,” Sam agrees and stands next to him. “You’re not going. You’d only be on three hours of sleep and no one wants to see what you look like then.”

“Yeah,” Dean tags on, “I mean, we’ve seen monsters. But you in the morning –that’s a whole ‘nother kind of scary.”

You take the pillow in your hands and throw it at them muttering, “Jerks.”

“Bitch,” they reply in unison.

“Cas,” you turn to him as a last out. You have to go to school. You always have to go to school. No excuses. Always go, always get the A. Especially because not being able to fall asleep was not a real excuse. Right? “Help me out here. I have to go to school, don’t I?”

Cas looks at you and then at the boys who are both throwing him a scowl and he shakes his head. “I agree with them. You are especially frightful in the morning.”

You gasp and tackle Cas to your bed, mess up his hair and tickle under his arms. He snorts a few times and you laugh like crazy as Dean and Sam help you pin him down so you can get his feet and really make him squirm.

You’re out of breath, but you can breathe again.

You look at the clock and sigh. Yes, you feel guilty but they have a point. You hand your phone to Sam and tell him to turn off the alarm so it’s not your fault for not going and he does.

Dean grabs you by the wrist and leads you into the hall and down to the kitchen where he reveals his secret brownie stash. Sam comes in with a laptop and loads a website that lets you watch anything you want. Cas takes his time following after putting his tousled self back in order.

“What do you want to watch?” Sam asks.

Dean groans, “None of that British junk. I can barely understand what they’re saying.”

“I thought you were going to bake the brownies,” you pout, already going through the list of your favorite British shows in your head. Sam soon joins your pout and Cas -still- has a pout already plastered on his face. Dean sighs, extremely susceptible to the puppy eyes and turns the oven on.

You eventually pick a movie and decide on _Bridget Jones’ Diary_ , just to make Dean squirm. Sam doesn’t seem to mind and Cas actually seems interested. That is until Dean smears some of the raw mix on his nose and Cas glares at him with the angel stare of death.

Cas deliberately and slowly wipes the goo from his face and smears it onto Dean’s. Then the retaliation comes. Soon Dean and Cas are lathering each other and the kitchen with chocolate wonderfulness and you and Sam try to stop them from wasting the brownies but then Sam gets hit. He gasps and you laugh but then you get hit too.

The movie is forgotten and you grab a spoon to scoop some mix into your mouth before it is all wasted as you battle for the food fight title. You laugh and hide and join Dean behind a chair in an alliance to share the bowl of mix and battle the other two.

In a strange twist, Cas is the winner for stealing the bowl and standing on the table so no one could reach it. Actually, Sam had grazed it but Dean was pushing him out of the way pretty hard. Cas really just got up there because he was frustrated. It is an accidental win but he gets bragging rights all the same.

The movie ends and you are done licking what’s left of the bowl clean so you wash up and say goodnight. You offer to help clean up the kitchen but they just tell you to get to bed. You are really tired now so you thank them all and head back to your room.

This time, when you shuffle under the sheets on your bed and pick up the pillow from the floor, you feel calm. When your head hits the pillow, you know you’ll fall directly sleep.

Life’s a bitch but you are strong, and you will take her on.  Maybe after a trip to the store because you guys seriously need more chocolate in the bunker. After a solid rest, that sounds like a wonderful idea.

Tomorrow is another day and you will breathe through it all.

 


End file.
